The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon
by gotskittlez121
Summary: Kyon’s life becomes a dating sim. Will all the girls chasing him turn out to be a good experience for him or not? Rated T for implied situations and minor language.
1. Conversations

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Ah, yes. Another fic for me. Writing "The War of Haruhi Suzumiya" is extremely depressing, especially since I know what depressing things happen in the near future in the story. I'm trying to write happy things again and this harem idea's been with me for a while. I was also inspired to write this by Diamond Avatar's "The Melancholy of Kyon". That happens to be my favorite Haruhi fic so far, completed or not. Well, I hope you enjoy this. Give me feedback!

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Chapter 1: Conversations

Are you familiar with the quote "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get?" It's from an American movie that I can't quite put a name on right now, but it can accurately describe the fiasco that has been happening to me lately.

My life has become a dating sim. A harem anime, if you will.

You may ask what's wrong or why I'm complaining, but you're about to find out.

Ask any other guy in the world, and they'd probably be jealous of me, jealous of the fact that I have a bunch of girls chasing my tail. Well, to all of you naïve young souls that wish that you could end up in my shoes, be careful for you wish for.

Let me spin you my tale of why it's never good to have too many girls chasing after your affections, especially when they're not _normal_ high school girls. In fact, I still don't know why they're chasing after me because I'm a boring, normal high school guy.

Yare, yare. Let me take you back to where it all began.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It all started one Thursday afternoon at lunch. It was the time of review before our second-year summer exams so I was in my usual melancholic mood that I usually had at this time of year. It was a mood I had picked up from my mother because she knew that when summer exams came around, it was time to sign me up for cram school. You've got to love my parents' confidence in me.

Getting back to lunch, I was sitting with my usual lunchtime comrades, Taniguchi and Kunikida. We were making our usual small talk about any given subject; today's was dating simulation games.

"I wonder what it's like to have a life like a dating sim," Taniguchi said, pondering while taking a bite out of his katsu-sando. "I'm sure that any guy with a life like that is a happy guy."

"I'm not so sure, Taniguchi," Kunikida said, holding some of his side salad in his chopsticks and being polite by not eating while speaking. "There's got to be some sort of indecisiveness about the choices that could be made, limiting one's happiness." Leave it to Kunikida, always talking so polite and concise, even about something as deplorable as dating sims.

"How could their happiness be limited? With all those choices, even the most fickle guy would be happy! What do you think about it, Kyon?" My friend with gray streaks in his hair asked me.

Hmm, I'd say that I'd probably be happy with a dating sim lifestyle. There are so many choices, and it'd help to have everything in front of me before I made a serious choice. The lifestyle of a dating sim's protagonist would probably be a happy one, at least if it were my life, it would be.

It was at this time that I noticed Haruhi had returned from her usual trip to the cafeteria. It was good she didn't follow yesterday's trend of chasing around somebody who made fun of her belief in the supernatural; I wonder how many trays our struggling school budget could replace. She was staring at me intently, as if pondering her own opinion on the matter. I wonder if I would choose Haruhi if my life was a dating sim. Ehh?!

She stayed quiet but gazed in my eyes intently. I wonder if she read what I was thinking because she made a "hm" noise and looked away.

"I was about to praise your words of wisdom, Kyon, but then you had to get all weird and mutter to yourself. Still, I like your opinion on a dating sim lifestyle. You're my type of guy!" He patted my back. Our answers may be the same, but I refuse to be put in the same grouping as you, Taniguchi.

The rest of the day passed without so much as a glimmer of excitement. By the time the session after lunch came, I was already on the verge of joining the ranks of the sleeping school delinquent army. I ended up succumbing to the sleeping demon and thusly missed the review for all the classes until the day ended.

Feeling refreshed as if I had gotten a full night of sleep, I woke up with the final bell and headed towards the clubroom. Haruhi had told us yesterday that she had a dentist's appointment today and would not be present in the clubroom. Knowing her, she probably has perfect teeth, no cavities and a smile her dentist wanted to rip out of her mouth and put on a display on his receptionist's desk.

Chilling in the clubroom was fine with me and apparently fine with the rest of the SOS Brigade. Asahina-san, as usual, made tea that royalty would beg for and made it in the maid uniform that I was so used to seeing her in. "So used to seeing her" does not mean I appreciate it any less, however. Nagato, our resident alien, was reading a book in her usual corner; it was a thick tome that I could not identify because the glare from the windows made looking at the cover an obstacle. I ended up playing Othello with Koizumi for about an hour, whooping his smug, plastic-smiling, long-talking behind at least seven times.

About an hour and a half after we gathered, Nagato closed her book, signaling that it was time to go home. I walked out with the three supernatural schoolmates of mine, a companionable silence present in the air. When we got to the street where we all went our separate ways, I wished them a good night and a "see you tomorrow". As I got home, my sister, now an eleven-year-old sixth grader greeted me at the door. The second I set my bag down, she began to sing tunelessly: "Kyon, time for arithmetic drills! Help me!" Why must you call me that blatantly disrespectful nickname? There's no "onii-chan" or "onii-san", or even "aniki" in your vocabulary?

"It's more fun to call you, Kyon!" She said with all the audacity of a six year-old. So I helped Sis with her homework then sat down with my family for dinner. My mother was in the previously stated sense of melancholy that I described and asked me plainly, "Do you plan to enroll in a university? Your grades aren't showing it."

Thanks, mom. You know how to make me feel great.

Feeling my own melancholic mood setting in, I excused myself from the dinner table for my pre-sleep ritual. It was still early, but I wanted to avoid falling asleep in the review classes again tomorrow. I realized that I could get all the sleep in the world, but most likely, I'd still be sleeping in class. You can't escape the inevitable.

Finally, I put my head on my pillow and knocked out quicker than a glass-jawed man in a fight with a boxer.

I'm usually the type of guy that forgets his dreams, or generally doesn't care about them, but on this night, I had a dream (or a memory) of the time in middle school that Kunikida, a friend of ours named Matsuzaka and I played our first dating sim/eroge. We played it at Matsuzaka's house when his brother wasn't home. The game was his brother's.

The game was based on a normal guy in a high school full of cute, supernatural girls. One of my favorite facets of the game was that instead of bells between classes, they had a bell version of the game's theme song. Why I enjoyed this, I don't know. After awhile, the dream kind of faded and I returned to the land of slumber…

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The next day, I arrived at school pretty early. Considering I went to bed early, I woke up early and thusly tackled the hill early. I got my school shoes on and walked into the classroom, thinking I was probably the first one there, until I saw Haruhi sitting at her desk.

She was wearing her hair in a ponytail. My pulse just skyrocketed. I have to admit, she looked just about amazing right then.

Gathering all the resolve I had in me, I greeted her with a "Yo."

"Kyon, we have a very important brigade meeting after school. Do not miss it for the world, unless you want to spend five hundred hours swimming in a landfill." You come up with the weirdest punishments, and it's not like I have anything else to do after school anyway.

"Good. I definitely don't want _you_ to miss it." Huh?

The rest of the class began to file in the classroom sporadically. Eventually, Okabe-sensei came in as well, right before the bell rang.

Instead of our usual class time chimes, the bells were playing a song that seemed so familiar but that I was unable to identify…

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(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: Whoo! Finally done with the first chapter! The harem action starts next chapter, so get ready for that. BTW, I've never played a dating sim so I have a limited perspective on how they work. The song that Kyon hears is "True My Heart" by ave;new feat. Saori Sakura, which is from the dating sim Nursery Rhyme. If you look online, there's a Code Geass "dating sim" parody featuring that song, as well as ones for Haruhi and Lucky Star. It's catchy as hell. Well, read and review. Constructive criticism and ideas are encouraged. Peace, love and bubblegum!)


	2. Seduction & Swimwear

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Yay, an update! Might be the last one for a while, folks. Sorry. I'll try, but I'm going to be busy. Enjoy!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter 2: Seduction & Swimwear

Class proceeded to begin. Due to my ponytail fetish (ahem, I mean my _slight_ enjoyment in seeing girls with ponytails), I found myself constantly looking back at Haruhi. I don't know if her head itched, but every time I looked back, she seemed to be shaking her ponytail, probably to try and scratch the itch without touching it. Some girls will really go to lengths not to mess up their hair, huh.

Lunchtime came, with Taniguchi, Kunikida and I discussing the upcoming exams and the stress they brought on. Taniguchi went on to say that the pressure of the exams was affecting his ability to flirt with girls. Surprisingly, it was Kunikida who retorted responding, "I think the odds are that it is not the pressure that's affecting your flirting ability." Even when poking fun at our classmate with the flirting-with-girls success rate of a three-year-old hitting a homerun off of a major league ace using the handle of a mop, the quiet Kunikida was polite and well spoken. If it were I who poked fun at Taniguchi, it would probably involve the aforementioned baseball analogy. However, I decided not to waste my breath on such a topic.

Haruhi had run out of the classroom to do her daily break routine at the beginning of lunch, but as the end approached, she was not back yet. Not that I was concerned or anything. She finally returned as the bell rang and I noticed that the bells were still playing that tune and not the usual "ding, dong, ding, dong". Hmm, perhaps the school board believes a catchy tune will inspire students, thusly raising the yearly test average here. Trust me, it'll take more than a song to raise mine.

The afternoon went by as quickly as a fighter jet at full speed in a forty-meter race. Surprisingly, I did not fall asleep in class. I even took decent notes somehow! This must be good karma for going to sleep early like a good boy last night. I headed to the clubroom feeling productive.

Knocking on the door to make sure my starry-eyed senpai was fully changed. Hearing the sweet "hai!" I entered, only to find that Asahina-san wasn't exactly in her maid costume. She wasn't exactly dressed completely either. Wearing pink lacy lingerie, she looked at me and gave me a beautiful smile of pure innocence, something that definitely did not fit the moment. Then she did another uncharacteristic thing, she closed the door and put a chair in front of it. "H-hi, Kyon-kun! Let me get you some tea."

Umm, Asahina-san, you're in your underwear. You just closed the door and put a chair in front of it. Why are you acting like normal?

"D-d-don't you like it, Kyon-kun?" To say that I "liked" it would be a graphic understatement. But if Haruhi or Nagato or Koizumi comes in, they'll get the wrong idea! I will no doubt be blamed for this!

"Don't w-worry, Kyon-kun," she said as she walked towards me with my cup of steaming hot tea. Bouncy, bouncy! I must stop looking before unclean thoughts raid my head. Asahina-san continued, "Suzumiya-san has cleaning duty, Nagato-san is at the computer club and Itsuki-kun told me he would be late. We have time… t-t-take me, m-m-make me yours, Kyon-kun."

Ehh?! What did you just say? What the hell is going on here? Ah, I hear the third-year exams have driven many students insane. This is probably the case for Asahina-san. I mean she's already about as sharp as a marble so I'm sure the stress of the exams got to her. I wonder if I will experience the same dementia next year. This was not the time to think of this though.

Wondering what I could possibly do, I immediately looked up at the ceiling, praying to every deity that I had knowledge of for firm resolve in a situation like this. It didn't come. It also didn't help that Asahina-san kept creeping closer all the while. This is sexual harassment, Asahina-san! I intend to say it, but I believe that the hot-blooded male libido of mine doesn't mind. As she came closer, she closed her eyes and moved her head towards me. What do I do? Then my salvation came.

Or was it the worst possible thing that could happen to me?

Haruhi, still wearing that scrumptious ponytail, had arrived and she had kicked the door open with such force that the chair went flying towards me and hit me in the head, knocking my face into Asahina-san's chest. OUCH! However, the reward was that the gorgeous senior's scent was invigorating and got my pulse going. She squealed as I said to myself, "Oh, there's that mole."

"YAHO-… KYON. WHAT. THE. HELL. ARE. YOU. DOING?" Umm, enjoying the view? Crap, that was the wrong choice of words.

"PERVERT! IDIOT! GET OUT WHILE WE CHANGE!" Just to let you know, Haruhi, this is in no way my fault. Yeah, like she'll believe me. Sitting outside the door, I heard Haruhi saying things like, "What did that pervert do to you, Mikuru-chan? I'll punish him!" along with the usual fabric rubbing, the regular "KYAA! Not there, Suzumiya-san!" and the normal "Ooh, Mikuru-chan your body is so firm!" Of course, none of this helped quell the powerfully burning fire that my raging hormones had produced. After a good ten minutes and a glare from Haruhi that could kill a small animal, I was let back into the clubroom, only to find that Haruhi and Asahina-san were both wearing bikinis.

Ah, so this is why Haruhi said I'd enjoy today's meeting.

HEY! WAITAMINUTE! "I saw Asahina-san in the same amount of clothing and you screamed at me for it, but now you're both wearing the same amount of clothing and it's fine?" Glancing at Haruhi's face was a challenge; my eyes kept getting tempted to go down and scan her incredibly well fit body. She eats about six plates of food when we go to the coffee shop before city searches. Where does it all go? Her incredibly hyper metabolism probably burns off all that food in a few minutes.

"Shut up, Kyon! Underwear and swimwear are different! And while we're at it, I'm going to assess your penalty. I was going to just give you and Koizumi-kun swimming trunks and dismiss you but now you have to try it on in front of me after everyone leaves. That, and you have to walk in the park by Yuki's apartment tonight." Well, trying on a swimsuit and walking in a park by myself. Has Haruhi lightened up? "Oh yeah, you're walking with me." No, I guess not. Sighing, I noticed the door opening and saw Nagato and Koizumi walk in.

"Oh, is this a beach party?" Koizumi walked in and said that with that plastic grin plastered all over his face. One day, I really should just hit him in the mouth and knock out a few teeth. I wonder if he'll smile then. Walking past me, he whispered, "We need to have a talk". I'm not surprised. Haruhi finding me in that compromising situation probably created enough blue giants to win an American football championship.

Forgive me; I only recently started to watch American football. I don't know if I'm entitled to make puns like that.

"Koizumi-kun, Yuki, I have swimsuits for you. These are for tomorrow, where our usual weekend city search will be changed to a paranormal search at the beach. Yuki, I want to see you in your bathing suit right now. Boys, can you please get out?"

Koizumi and I did just that. In the hallway, Koizumi put his "I'm a smiling bastard" face on and began to speak. "Kyon, have you noticed that the girls are acting strange lately?" Well, Asahina-san was acting really strange. Haruhi seemed like herself except for the whole ponytail thing. I haven't seen Nagato all day. "I see. If you see what book Nagato is reading, you will definitely think she's acting strange." Why are all of these things happening?

"It's simple really," Koizumi said. I sensed one of his long-winded rambles accompanied with bad acting coming. "Suzumiya-san, seeing you in the state of melancholy you've been in recently, wished subconsciously for whatever you want to make you happy to actually happen. This of course is because she chose you and does not want to see you upset. Now, recall yesterday and you should remember what you said could make you happy." Ah, I should call Kunikida later. He's been asking me to play Halo with him for a while. I really have to get my XBOX Live fixed though. Oh, you asked me something? Koizumi's grin became a little more forced at my lack of attention and he asked, "Do you remember what you said could make you happy yesterday?"

Oh. Oh. I said my life as a dating sim would make me happy. I get it now.

"You've got quite the situation on your hands huh, Kyon? I happen to know what Asahina-san did to you prior to Suzumiya-san entering the room. You're a lucky man!" No, I'm not. This is going to turn out ugly somehow. As one can plainly see, I'm not much of an optimist. Then out of the blue, Koizumi put his face close to mine. "If only I could have the same luck as you, Kyon." Get away! Too close! Don't say things that can be taken ambiguously like that!

With that, the door opened. Koizumi and I walked in and saw all three girls in their swimsuits with the afternoon sun as the background. It was quite an amazing sight. I was speechless but Koizumi was not.

"Ah, what a great sight! The beach will radiate with the glow of ten thousand suns!" Shut up, you blatant ass-kisser.

"Oh, Koizumi-kun! Your flattery will get you nowhere! You can't get higher than Vice-Commander anyway!" she said smiling, before turning to me with a face of disdain that gave me the shivers. "Everyone but Kyon is now dismissed. We are meeting at 9 at the train station and taking the train to the beach. Last one to arrive pays for the Brigade's beach tickets." Asahina-san looked at me with puppy eyes before she left, Nagato nodded and Koizumi waved as he left the room. The door shut behind them and Haruhi and I were left alone.

"Here, Kyon. I got you these." She handed me a pair of royal blue swimming trunks with white and navy stripes on the side. They were nice. "I guessed the size but we'll see how they fit." Okay. Cool. Thanks. Now could you get out so I could change?

"No, Kyon. You ought to listen to people. I said your punishment involved you changing _in front_ of me."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You want me to take off my pants and change in my boxers in front of you? You're not in the slightest bit offended by that?" Haruhi then blushed.

"To get the right fit, you're going to have to take off your boxers too." So here's the lowdown: I'm getting naked, in front of a very attractive girl who's wearing a bikini. My hormones started to rage like a delinquent on steroids.

"Come on, Kyon. You don't have all night. You still have to take me on that walk, remember?" Shut up, woman! Don't you see I have a conflict of morals right now? "Hurry, Kyon!" she said, looking at me with a determined, piercing look. Fine! If you won't shut up, I'll do it! Assembling all the courage I could muster at a time like this, I unbuttoned my school slacks and dropped them to the floor. I was in my skivvies in front of Haruhi. A bit of a blush showed up on her cheeks, but her determined look continued to shine on her face. It was really, really cute. Sighing, I realized that it was time to get full frontal with Haruhi. Swallowing my pride, I grabbed the hem of my boxers.

At that moment, the door opened.

Asahina-san stumbled in, speaking in a sing-song voice, not noticing us at first. "Ossu! Wa-wa-wa-wasuremono… EHH?!" Now, she noticed us. "I'm sorry," she said, while fixing her uniform. "Enjoy yourselves!" She ran out of the room. I looked at Haruhi. Her face was a mixture of shock and amusement. However, she regained her composure when she realized I was looking at her.

"Forget it. Just try it on at home. I'll call you for the walk later, okay?" She said in a surprisingly timid voice, that I found really cute. Did I just say that?

As quickly as I could, I pulled up my pants, gathered my stuff and went home. A lot has happened today. I wish I could go home and sleep it off, but I can't. I have to go on this damn walk with Haruhi.

When I got home and into my room, I suddenly felt an incredible amount of pain coming from my head. How could I forget? I got hit in the head by a flying chair. I wonder if I have any brain damage. Or perhaps it will be some sort of phenomenon that will make me a genius overnight! As I prayed for the latter to occur, I suddenly felt woozy and fell onto my bed, where sleep took me quite quickly.

Waking up later for some reason, I looked at my clock to see that it had been an hour and a half since I had gotten home. Reaching in my pocket for my cell phone, I looked at the call log to see if I missed any calls. I did.

18 missed calls. Haruhi Suzumiya made them all. I decided that I should do a nice thing call her back. I did, and my reward for being nice was getting yelled at and making an appointment at the park by Nagato's house in thirty minutes.

As I got up and changed, I sighed. Yare, yare. I felt like this was going to be a long night.

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(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: Whoooo! That was a tough chapter to write. It's extremely long by my standards. All I can say is read and review, constructive criticism is accepted. I hope to update soon, I have to get ready to go back to college and move in my dorm, etc. I also hope to update "The War of Haruhi Suzumiya" soon, too. Peace, love and bubblegum!)


	3. A Walk to Remember

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Last day of work equals update! Enjoy the chapter people! Thanks for the comments, but I crave more!

UPDATE REMIX! My last day of work was August 20th. It's September 23rd. My bad, I've been extremely busy with school. Enjoy! Oh, and review please. It's going to be extra long (that's what she said) because I feel like I owe you guys.

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Chapter 3: A Walk to Remember

What a day. I've sat through school (usually enough to make my day hectic enough), almost gotten molested by Asahina-san (not that I would mind, except for the whole bit with Haruhi creating closed space and possibly erasing the universe), been told that my life was a dating sim (which I wouldn't mind either except for the fact that since it's me, it'll get ugly), seen the three female members of the SOS Brigade in swimwear (which I consider a top-ten moment in my life), almost stripped for Haruhi (until Asahina-san wandered in to the room in a familiar way, though I can't put my finger on how I remember that) and been sentenced to a walk with Haruhi.

All in all, it was quite a ridiculous day, even by my standards.

Sighing, I began to walk my way over to the park near Nagato's apartment where I was supposed to meet Haruhi. My head was still throbbing from taking a chair to it and from the events that had transpired earlier. I tried to tell Haruhi that my head was killing me, but that girl would have me wheeled over to a city search in my deathbed, if that was the case.

Arriving at the park, I saw Haruhi sitting on a familiar bench; the same bench that I met up with Asahina-san (big) after time traveling to the Tanabata three, no wait, _four_ years ago. The chief's arms were crossed and she was glaring at me with the eyes of an oni ready to devour an unsuspecting person. I got closer to the bench and Haruhi opened her mouth, ready to chastise me. I cut her off and said, "Let's go, Haruhi."

It was your run-of-the-mill walk around the park; we just wandered around aimlessly while making small talk about school, what she had planned for the Brigade's activities and things of that nature. I could imagine we looked like a couple enjoying a nice stroll. Passersby would probably remark on the joys of young love, to which I would respond with "The joys of being incorrect." We continued walking and got to a part of the park where it was dark but you could see other couples in the shadows of the trees with their faces seemingly stuck together. Ah, this is where I _didn't_ want to end up.

The sky was very clear in this part of the park, so the stars were shining brightly. Haruhi, still next to me, was making a face of amazement. It made her look so cute, almost like a girlfriend getting an expensive surprise gift from her boyfriend. If she could be look this all the time, I would be happy. What? Did I just think that? She broke our little silence and said in a surprisingly quiet voice, "It's so beautiful out, Kyon."

Yeah, it definitely is.

"It makes me wonder if out there, there are really aliens. I would really love to meet an alien that would make my life interesting." Really, well you have one in your presence everyday. That quiet bookworm girl who could probably defeat all the samurai of Nobunaga with a flick of her wrist would definitely make your life interesting, if she somehow opened up to the world. A Nagato that opened up to people. That's something I'd like to see. I didn't say this out loud of course. Silence remained in the air for a few moments before a shooting star randomly passed above us. As I struggled between saying a witty anecdote or telling Haruhi off for believing in something like aliens, I felt something warm grab my wrist.

"Kyon… I believe that I…"

Believe what, Haruhi? I looked over at Haruhi and realized her hand was the culprit. I also saw something else; her face with her eyes closed coming towards my face. Alarms immediately began to ring in my head, the kind that would alert a Super Sentai team that monsters were attacking the city. As I had no morphing device or no giant robot, it seemed that the Haruhi's lips monster was going to succeed in taking over the city of my lips. I might as well take it for all its worth. I'm a man, after all! After all that I've been through, I deserve this kiss! I also deserve my first kiss in such a place. As I brought my face closer to hers, I felt a sensation of someone drilling holes in my head. This bothersome feeling continued and disrupted me from reaching my goal. My libido begged me to continue but the feeling was overpowering me. I looked up and I was surprised to see something quite unexpected.

Standing behind Haruhi and staring straight at me was Nagato.

I reacted to this startling interruption as manly as I could.

I jumped about ten feet in the air and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL, NAGATO?!" Haruhi opened her eyes and looked around until she saw Nagato behind us. She had a similar reaction but said, "AHH! YUKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Walking." The quiet alien said. Walking my ass, Nagato! She motioned at me towards her and said, "We must talk." We can talk right here, Nagato.

"Alone."

Fine. Walking past a flabbergasted Haruhi, I situated myself next to Nagato and we proceeded to walk away towards the darkness of the forest. It was then that Haruhi found her voice.

"OY! KYON! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? WHAT DO YOU THINK, THAT YOU CAN JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? COME BACK!" Sorry Haruhi, but when Nagato requests an audience alone, it usually means something weird is about to happen. This usually means my life takes another downward spiral. I wonder if I'll be sitting in a mental institution one day reminiscing about my high school days with the SOS Brigade. The only justification to living like that would be if I had a daily visit from Asahina-san with fresh tea. I would not regret embarking on such a ridiculous lifestyle if I could look forward to such a thing.

Back to the matter at hand, Nagato had stopped me in a dark corner of the forest, similar to the one Haruhi and I had occupied just a few moments earlier. Nagato looked at me with those huge golden domes of eyes she had and opened her mouth. While I expected her to spout some nonsense about the next threat to come our way, she surprised me by quietly whispering one word to me.

"Love."

I half-expected her to segue this one word into some sort of long-winded talk laced with words I've never heard and have myself be thrown into a state of utter confusion.

"There has been a breach in data. Emotional data capacity has usually been unregistered within the Human Interface's coding and subsequently does not affect or cloud judgment that the Integrated Data Sentient Entity bestows upon the Interface. However, for an unknown reason, the emotional data capacity has been overflowing and causing various miscalculations and irregular patterns within the Interface's body. After analyzing the data, the source of the capacity overload is you."

I was right.

"The emotional data capacity overload is comprised of feelings of longing, adoration and affection. Human beings call this emotion _love_."

Wait. What are you saying to me right now, Nagato?

"I am trying to say that I have feelings of love for you."

I hope that if anyone else confesses to me, it will not be as cold and robotic as that sounded.

Wait a minute! Blow the whistle, ref! Timeout! Call the instant replay crew in! Did Nagato just say she loved me? Did the cute emotionless alien just confess to having emotional feelings for me? As I was enraptured in my thoughts, I felt a slight tug on my sleeve. Looking down, I saw Nagato on her tiptoes, who evidently decided to put on her "kissing face". This was just her regular face coming towards mine with the speed meant for head butting, not for kissing. At that moment though, salvation came.

Or could it be the worst possible thing that could happen to me?

Wow, I just had a twinge of déjà vu.

"KYON! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? FIRST, MIKURU-CHAN AND NOW YUKI? YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY, FESTERING PERVERT!" Oh Haruhi, you have such a way with words! As I tried to come up with something sarcastic, Haruhi began to stomp her way towards me with a face that read, "I will rip your face off and eat your soul".

That was my cue to do either one of two things: I could stand down and take the bull by the horns, or I could run like a little sissy girl from an ant.

Mr. Announcer, I'll take door number two.

I ran with full speed past Haruhi, who was evidently dumbfounded by my girly shrieks, and found my way back towards civilization. As I got nearer and nearer to my house, I slowed down. Once again, the same adrenaline that let me escape unharmed wore off and let my head and body feel like they were hit with a swinging pendulum with a sack of bricks attached. I somehow managed to get in my house, in my room and in my bed while my sister pummeled my back and screamed for me to play with her. As soon as I laid my head on my pillow, I felt the sweet sensation of sleep drift over me. I swore I heard my phone ring, but I was too tired to care.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The sun hit my eyes and I opened them. I realized as I awakened that my head and body were still incredibly sore and painful from the night before. Super. After brushing my teeth, washing my face and getting out of my pajamas, I located my phone on my pillow and opened it. What awaited me was a sight to behold. Forty-seven missed calls. It was Haruhi after Haruhi after Haruhi until I got to about the middle of the list. Koizumi. I guess I should call him up and see what he wants. He probably wanted to let me know about the huge load of closed space opened up last night. Let me reach him then. I highlighted his name on the list and pressed SEND.

Two rings later, he picked up. "Hey there. I've been waiting for your call." Please don't say that to me. I'm taking it the wrong way. "I apologize. I just wanted to let you know that it was of utmost importance to call me back, which is what you did. Good job." Thanks, Captain Obvious. "I am neither a Captain nor is my name Obvious. I thought we were better friends than that." Yare, yare. Shut up, you smug bastard. Just tell me what you need to tell me. "Alright then. I shall. You have asked and therefore you shall receive."

I had the distinct feeling that he was messing with me. Let's just get to the point, smartass. Just how much closed space did I open last night? "You'll be surprised to hear that you didn't cause Suzumiya-san to open any closed space last night."

"What?" I said because I was very surprised to hear that.

"Yes, it's a relief for the entire Organization. Your antics usually cause us a great deal of stress, but you should be proud to hear that you actually haven't! Not only are I and the organization relieved, but the world unconsciously is relieved! I'm surprised, though. Usually the smallest mistake from you in Suzumiya-san's eyes would create a myriad of closed space, but what you did last night did not do anything at all! I digress; I just wanted to let you know something. Do you remember how I told you yesterday that your life had become a dating simulation?"

Where's Shamisen? Oh, he's probably sleeping with Sis. No wonder she didn't barge in here and wake me up like the annoying little brat that she is. Speaking of which, I have to scold that damn cat because he gnawed through the Ethernet cable that connected me to XBOX Live. Kunikida's been complaining that he's been finding quality matches and how it's no fun playing Halo without me to use as a human shield. In fact, he keeps complaining about how many people abuse the Brute-

"AHEM! Are you there?" Oh, sorry. I was thinking about something.

"About how I told you your life was a dating simulation yesterday?" Mhm. Yes. That.

"What if I told you that I've been made the 'Game Master' of sorts? That I can see everything you do and think? What if I told you that I know exactly how each girl wishes to approach you and win you over? What would you say?"

"I would say that I don't really care. I would also say that I have the feeling this life is going to get super ugly. How do I get out?"

"Simple. Choose a girl. The world will go back to the way it was before yesterday. You'll just have a girlfriend, as well as some brokenhearted girls that you turned down." Super. I'm going to feel like a total jerk when I'm done with this. I'm going to feel horrible if I turn down _any_ of the three girls of the SOS Brigade.

"You have more girls in your prospective roster than that, my dear Kyon." If you say the word "dear" near my name again, I'll have to throw some sort of heavy object at you. And who else is involved in this?

"You'll see _very soon_. Well, look at the time. I have to go. Take care."

Wait! Tell me who else and how soon, Koizumi bastard! I swear. I'm going to have to throw a spear at him someday. As I continued thinking of ways to possibly hurt and/or mutilate the esper bastard, my cell phone began to ring. The caller ID interface read: TSURUYA-SAN. I picked up.

"Yo, Kyon-kun! I was wondering if ya wanted to comes to my house tonight. Mom and Dad are out of town for a whiles and I'm going to have quite a bash at my place, nyoro! I mean there's so much beer, sake and hard alcohol that I don't knows what to do with it! Plus our friends and a bunch of others are going to come by, nyoro. So, come by around ten tonight, Kyon-kun! Laters!" She hung up without letting me say a word. I felt completely overpowered by her voice.

Hell, at least I have plans for tonight.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: A month and three days. That's how long it took for me to finish writing this story. I've been busy; I moved back in at school, I've been doing work and I'm pledging a frat so that's why I haven't written this or The War of Haruhi Suzumiya in a very long time. I decided to make it extra long because I just kept getting idea after idea after idea as I progressed writing it. I'm extremely tired. I'm going to sleep right after I upload this. Please read and review. Till next time, peace, love and bubblegum!)


	4. Calm Before the Storm

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

I've been working on bits and pieces of this chapter for over a month. It took a hungover Friday morning for me to actually put it together. Enjoy! Review too!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter 4: Calm Before the Storm

I decided to call Haruhi back after I hung up with Tsuruya-san. What greeted me was a screaming voice.

"Kyon, why the hell didn't you answer your phone?!" I was sleeping, Haruhi! If you haven't forgotten, a lot of things happened yesterday!

"Well, if _you_ haven't forgotten, we were supposed to go to the beach today!"

Oh.

"That's all you have to say? 'Oh?' You're ridiculous, Kyon!"

Can't we go now? It's still early!

"It's not early enough! There will be SO many people and there will be no room for us! It's all your fault!"

I was going to point out that she would be able to market the SOS Brigade with all those people, but I realized that telling her would be equivalent to letting a shark loose in water where several small children had open cuts. Anyway, why did that thought come to my head? I must really stop spending time with Haruhi, though I might not like that. What did I just say?

There were a few moments of silence and my thumb began to slowly hover over the END button before I heard Haruhi say in that meek voice I heard just last night, "You're going to Tsuruya-san's." Is that a question or a comment?

"Neither! It is a command given to you by your Chief!" She got loud again. Boo. "You're going to Tsuruya-san's with me at 9:45, Kyon! That's final! Don't disobey the Chief's orders! Finally, I will go now!" She hung up.

This is going to be a long night. Again. Since joining the SOS Brigade and letting this cast of characters into my life, I've had so many long nights that I could write my own version of One Thousand and One Nights.

At least I don't have to worry about her going nuts in public.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

For the next few hours, I did some homework and helped with her English assignments. I'm ashamed to say that at age 11, she not only speaks better English than I do, but she also doesn't seem to have one of those bad "Engrish" (what Americans call it in chat rooms) accents. I'm starting to believe that my academic prowess is on the lower echelon of high school students. Perhaps this is a sign that I will not be able to attend a university. The fact that my sister excels at school more than I do proves how the world works in mysterious ways. Life seems to throw more curveballs at me than at a free-swinging cleanup hitter with a low batting average. Go figure.

When the clock struck 8:00, I took a bath and got ready. I threw on the one designer silk shirt I owned and the one designer jeans that my parents had gotten me for Christmas. I realized that with the way that Haruhi makes me spend money, I should appreciate the value of these gifts more.

9:30 finally came and I began to approach the coffee shop where we usually meet. I saw four silhouettes and cursed under my breath. I once again am fifteen minutes early! My luck is worse than that of a drunken gambler betting his life savings on a dice game. I began to wonder if like a certain superhero that fails to come to mind, if they four of them had a sixth sense that told them what was approaching.

"LATE! PENALTY! Kyon, you're losing good graces with the Brigade Chief! Now, however, it is party time for the SOS Brigade!"

I let my trademark sigh resonate in the air. We begin walking towards Tsuruya-san's mansion. Looking over at the rest of the SOS Brigade, I get a good look at what they're wearing. As Haruhi leads the girls in front of me and Koizumi, I take a look at what the esper bastard has donned for tonight. Koizumi is dressed in an outfit similar to mine, except for the fact that since the Organization funds him, it's probably multitudes more expensive.

"You are quite the jester, Kyon. The Organization pays me in small increments, so trust me, these garments are quite inexpensive." Flashing his trademark 'I'm a goofy, smug esper bastard' smile, he brushed his shoulders off. He's a liar.

Looking at the girls in front of us, I saw that the expressionless Nagato was wearing her North High uniform. What's new? There's a higher chance of the worldwide economy stabilizing itself than of Nagato actually getting dressed in something other than her North High uniform.

My eyes went to Asahina-san, who seemed to be sharing a hearty laugh with Haruhi. My eyes then produced tears. Not sad tears, mind you, but tears stemming from the joy I felt in my heart from seeing her. She was dressed in a tight canary yellow shirt that read "Little Miss Bad" in English and tight dark blue jeans that accented the lower half of her angelic body. She was sure to be the girl that had every guy's attention at the party. My view shifted to the brown-haired girl loudly laughing beside her.

My jaw nearly dropped in shock.

Since I had been so preoccupied with the visage of this girl earlier when she was mentioning how I was getting off of her good graces, I did not notice the exquisite ponytail her hair was in once again. I also did not notice the black dress that accentuated her curves and her seemingly perfect body. She looked amazing. Her beauty could inspire anyone to fall in love… would I be included? Ehh! Did I just say that?

The small talk continued until we reached the front gate of Tsuruya-san's mansion. One of the bigger workers in her house served as the bouncer for the night and stood guard at the gate, holding a clipboard and a pen in his meaty hands. There was a huge line in front of the gate; one can assume that this party was the "spot" for tonight. Haruhi, of course, having no regard for security or the formality of a guest list at a party, attempted to stride past the guard.

"Oi! Where do you think you're going?" The large man asked us, crossing the tree trunks he called arms across his chest.

"I, Haruhi Suzumiya, along with my SOS Brigade, intend to come in to this party and have a good time! Tsuruya-san invited us personally, via phone call!"

"Suzumiya, Suzumiya, ah, yes. Suzumiya, party of five, please enter the gate." Immediately, the crowd behind us erupted in a frenzy.

"HEY! SHE CUT!"

"I'M WITH SUZUMIYA!"

Wanting to escape a potential altercation, I ushered Haruhi and the rest into the gate and into the house. What awaited me inside could only be described as "controlled insanity". Tsuruya-san's living room had been seemingly replaced by a huge dance floor. Tons of kids from our school were bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Surprisingly, I saw Kunikida dancing with some random girl from our class. Her arm was snaked behind his head and she was moving his head closer to hers, with her eyes closing and her face tilting…

Then, I looked in the corner of the room and saw a dejected-looking Taniguchi staring at exactly where I had been looking a few seconds prior. All of a sudden, I felt two arms find their way around me and squeeze me. I turned around and saw green hair and a grin that could make the most depressed person feel great about himself or herself. Tsuruya-san.

"Kyon-kun! Haru-nyan! Mikuru-chan! Yuki-rin! Itsuki-kun! Good to see yas! I'm glad ya came! Now, haves a great time, nyoro! And if you need a drink," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "come to the bar in the basement. It's guest-listed but all of yas are already on it, nyoro. Well, I gots a party to chaperone! Bye!" She gave a charming wink and a dazzling grin before… pinching my butt.

"Ouch!"

"What now, Kyon? Is your boring personality being hurt by the ambience of a good time?" Oh shut up, Haruhi.

She stuck her tongue out at me, before giving me a really cute smile. Why must you show this side rarely, Haruhi? Why not be like that all the time?

"What _are_ you talking about, idiot? Anyway, I know I promised after the island mystery game to never drink alcohol again, but tonight is a special occasion! Therefore, the bar!"

As I pondered whether or not her use of 'therefore' was correct, I felt her vice-like grip close on my wrist and drag me toward the basement. Another big housekeeper holding a clipboard stood in front of the basement door. Before Haruhi could do anything drastic to get past the guard, I stepped in front of her and told the man our names. He opened the door and pointed us down the stairs. As we descended down the stairs, we saw less of the crazy party going on in the living room and more of a 'chillout' atmosphere. One of Tsuruya-san's maids who I recognized from the whole 'Michiru' incident was working the bar. She evidently recognized me as well as she motioned for the five of us to sit at the bar.

"Hi, Kyon-san! Welcome to the Tsuruya Family Underground Bar! What'll you and your friends have?"

"Um, I'm not a really big drinker. What do you recommend?"

A sparkle glinted in the maid's eye.

"How about I give you a sampler of everything the bar has?"

I looked at the other three, who seemed to be extremely quiet. Was something bothering them? If something was bothering Asahina-san, I would immediately take care of what her problem was. If something was bothering Nagato, I know that she would have let me know already and she would use her crazy magic to work it out. If something was bothering Koizumi, well, I wouldn't really care.

Koizumi had his trademark plastic grin on and shrugged at me. You could probably convince Haruhi not to do this, but you won't, because you're her little suck-up. Asahina-san looked a little pensive, but gave me a heartwarming smile when I looked at her. Her beaming innocence could convert death row inmates into monks. When I looked at Nagato, I was not surprised to say the least. Her regular stoic face remained on, as her huge eyes remained locked on to mine.

Before I could respond and tell the SOS Brigade about the possible implications of consuming that much alcohol, Haruhi banged her fist on the bar.

"LET'S DO IT!"

Haruhi, you're thinking like the Americans did when they started the War in Iraq; blindly charging forth without knowing the consequences of your possible actions. Even though this is something as trivial as drinking, your judgment between good actions and bad actions seems to be quite hazy.

"What are you talking about, Kyon? I should give you a penalty for your mindless mumbling! Now, Bartender-san, let us have it!"

Yare, yare. This could get hairy.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Well, I won't lie. I was pretty drunk. Well, I was still able to function and navigate myself, but my head was very light and swimmy.

I stopped taking shots after what seemed like half the bar's stock so that I would not be a complete mess.

Speaking of complete messes, the SOS Brigade was equivalent to workers who have a bad week and then go to the bar on Friday night. They were completely out of their element. Except for Nagato. She probably absorbs the alcohol and filters it out without feeling the repercussions of drinking a lot.

After the bartender/maid deemed that enough was enough for Haruhi, who was screaming loudly about wanting aliens to come out of nowhere and invading the party, I began to round up the troops to try to escort them out and to their homes, before they died of alcohol poisoning. Asahina-san nearly fell out of her chair when she got up. Haruhi boldly strode to the front as if she wasn't drunk, but her inability to walk in a straight line proved that she really was. Nagato walked calmly out and Koizumi walked dangerously close to me and whispered, "Watch your decisions tonight, Kyon..." Get away from me! So close! Stop doing that!

We began to go upstairs.

However, there was one obstacle remaining: navigating the dance floor.

As soon as we got upstairs, I was dragged toward the living room that served as the dance floor of the party. I didn't even feel Haruhi's hands grab my collar! As I was about to berate her for being drunk and stress the need to get her home, I found that I had temporarily gone mute.

Haruhi didn't drag me to the dance floor. Nagato did.

The music in the room was pulsing and the alcohol was getting to my head, but somehow, I heard Nagato say the word "Dance." I shrugged, I mean why not? A girl is asking me to dance and I'm doing better than Taniguchi is. Life is good.

I realized that Nagato had no idea how to dance as she stood in front of me and did absolutely nothing. All of a sudden, I felt myself being forcefully turned around. Tsuruya-san.

"Hey, Kyon-kun! Let me show Yuki-rin how to dance with ya!" The green-haired beauty began to dance with me. Her bottom is quite nice…

A few songs passed and I began to get tired. That was when something ridiculous happened. Boy, I should really write an autobiography and call it "My Life, Where Something Ridiculous Happens Everyday". Tsuruya-san turned around and basically gently forced (if that's possible) me against a wall. Facing me now, she still remained dancing and had a devilish grin on her face.

"Kyon-kun," she whispered. "Want to make my party special for me, nyoro?" That seductive voice drove my semi-drunken hormones wild. To top that off, she moved her face closer to mine.

Oh, what the hell.

We began to kiss, but her kiss was not one of those cute, romantic kisses. This one was full of lust and passion. Her tongue invaded my mouth and basically wrestled with my tongue. My hands and her hands were everywhere. That's when out of the blue, a sixth sense told me to stop. I stopped the kiss and looked up. Standing about ten feet away was the SOS Brigade. Koizumi had that same grin on. He shrugged. He mouthed something that looked like "decisions" at me. Confusing bastard. Nagato was staring right at me. Asahina-san had a completely shocked face on. How could I do that to her? Immediately to her right, I saw the tempest brewing. Kissing Tsuruya-san was the calm before the storm.

Now here came Hurricane Haruhi.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

(Hare Hare Yukai begins to play.)

(A/N: Well, chapter 4's done. I have no idea how long this story is going to be. The War is almost over. I'd say two or three more chapters. I'm trying to simultaneously release a chapter for The War, but that'd mean I'd have to start it first lol. I'm busy as hell with midterms and fraternity life, but I'll try to get that out and get another chapter of this out to you guys ASAP. Review please. Feedback is important! On that note, I'm out folks! Peace, love and bubblegum!)


	5. Escape from Tsuruya Mansion!

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Sorry for the long delay. I was super busy these past few months. I'm now busy with summer classes, but I'm a lot less busy than I was, say in the early parts of 2009. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter 5 – Escape from the Tsuruya Mansion!

Let me sum up my life after I met Haruhi Suzumiya; I constantly seem to run into pickle after pickle with her. However, no event seemed to make me feel as sour as this recent slew of things has. Sorry for the lame joke.

An angered and still somewhat intoxicated Haruhi came stomping toward me. It was either fear or some sort of idiotic curiosity that disabled my movement as she did what she did best and got in my face, preparing to yell at me.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, KYON?! AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, YOU GO AND KISS ANOTHER WOMAN?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Haruhi. Why would you say _another woman_? That doesn't even make sense!

Yet why do I feel guilty when you say that?

Luckily I didn't say any of what I had thought, but I was melting under Haruhi's powerful gaze. All I could do was stammer incoherently. The music remained playing, but a lot of people had stopped dancing and were just staring at the two of us.

"Umm, umm, well," Great words by the wise Kyon! Wow, now I even address myself by this vile nickname. Damn you, sis! As I processed thoughts about why I would actually call myself by that nickname, I caught some sort of weird vision in the corner of my eye. The distraught Taniguchi, still upset over Kunikida's apparent success with a girl, was being swamped by a weird-looking girl with neon green-dyed hair and thick glasses that I remember seeing in Asahina-san's class and I guess he was so desperate that he did not seem to mind this strange girl's advances at all. A light bulb in my head went off.

Boy, won't I feel like a bad person after this.

"WHOA! HARUHI! LOOK! THERE'S AN ALIEN TRYING TO EAT TANIGUCHI!" I yelled as I pointed in his general direction. I'm a disgraceful person. I saw Taniguchi's face snap up at me and I saw the girl throw me an evil glare through her heavy lenses.

"HUH?! WHERE, KYON?! LET'S GET IT!"

Only I wasn't there to answer her back. I sprinted as quickly as my average, un-athletic legs could take me away from the dance floor. Turning from the dance floor into a random giant corridor, I realized that I was probably going to get lost. My sense of direction was completely thrown off in this situation due to the alcohol. I realized something: that this could suck.

I continued to run like a cowardly soldier trying to go anywhere but the battlefield while looking for an exit until my foot caught something on the ground and I nearly fell flat on my face. It was one of those colorful designer hoodies that people in the hip-hop community wear. I picked it up and a pair of large white-framed sunglasses fell out. Another light bulb went off in my head. I could escape from this house unscathed.

I just hoped that Haruhi and the others were a lot dumber than they actually were.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

After putting on the hoodie and the sunglasses, wearing the hood up and walking back to the dance floor, I was ready to plan my escape. Once I got out, I would spend the rest of my days hiding in my room. My parents would probably yell at me to go and get a job, but contributing to the economy seemed like it would come second to my health and well-being, those being compromised if Haruhi ever found me after that.

Walking as naturally and inconspicuously as I could on the dance floor, I silently rejoiced as I came close to the door. The most crafty of ninjas would probably be detected by Haruhi, but in this costume I was invisible!

"Kyon-kun!"

Or so I thought.

Asahina-san came stumbling over with one of her signature smiles on, her cheeks rosy from the alcohol she had consumed. It was a very cute sight to behold, but realizing that I had to avoid being recognized, I did what I could.

"Kyon-kun? You've got the wrong guy. I'm, umm, Soulja K! Haven't you heard of famous rap albums?" Yeah! What a brilliant ruse! What next, am I going to "bust a flow" or whatever famous rappers do? I'm an idiot. Much to my behest, Asahina-san began to laugh.

"Umm, Kyon-kun, you're a funny one when you're drunk!" She began to laugh again, then she suddenly fell over and started snoring, the alcohol getting the best of her. Great. How is she going to get home? And even better. Everyone's staring at me now. The worst possible thing would be…

"KYON! TRYING TO HIDE, ARE WE?!"

That.

"Um, I'm not Kyon! I am Soulja K! You've got the wrong guy, what can I say?" Wow, I sure am doing a _great_ job at this. If any true rappers were to see me right now, I'm sure they would be disgraced and would probably "break a cap" on me or whatever the hell they do.

"YOU'RE ABOUT TO PAY A HUGE PENALTY TO ME, KYON! I SENTENCE YOU TO A LIFETIME OF COMMUNITY SERVICE TO YOUR CHIEF!" At least she ignored my horrible disguise! "FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT, YOU WILL BE CONSIDERED MY SLAVE AND LISTEN TO MY EVERY WHIM!" Please don't let her be serious, please don't let her be serious!

"OH, I'M DEAD SERIOUS, KYON!" Okay. Now I know what I have to do. RUN!

"AFTER HIM, KOIZUMI-KUN!" The smiling, suck-up esper bastard smiled and nodded then proceeded to chase me. Luckily for me, the usually suave transfer student was still feeling the aftereffects of the alcohol and tripped and slid into the front door. Looks like for the first time ever, I get the last laugh! Swinging open the door, I prepared to jet my way home and bumped into someone standing in the doorway. The impact knocked the little purple-haired girl out of the way. Nagato!

I stopped to help her up. Sorry Nagato, but I have to run. My life depends on it. She nodded, but then did a very surprising thing. She grabbed my hand as I began to sprint away past her. I hesitated and turned around, but that turned out to be a bad idea.

Standing fuming in the doorway was Haruhi, beet red from the alcohol but also probably red from the anger. She began to stomp towards me again. I could almost feel myself wetting… myself. My feet felt like bricks and my heart felt like an angry boxer punching a slab of meat for training. However, I was moving.

Nagato was dragging me away.

"YUKI! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? KYON, WH-WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Haruhi had stopped in her tracks.

I have no idea, Haruhi.

We ended up at the hill behind the Tsuruya mansion where we had held that mock treasure hunt. Nagato let go of my hand.

"I am aware of the situation that is currently active regarding your life and your actions. Your choices currently affect the entire universe. Also, in this situation, Haruhi Suzumiya's abilities have become nullified and have been deemed basically futile. This is creating a temporal anomaly throughout the planet." Uh, what?

"The powers of Haruhi Suzumiya have ceased working." Oh. WAIT, WHAT?! "Also, the time-traveling ability of Mikuru Asahina has become nullified as well." What?! Why?! How?! This is too much… Let me guess. You're going to tell me you lost your powers too.

Staring at me with her amber eyes, she proceeded to nod ever slightly; a nod that a person could only notice after extreme Nagato exposure.

I was confused. Very confused. Haruhi, Asahina-san and even the all-powerful Nagato herself have lost their powers. Next thing you know, that plastic-smiled esper will have lost his powers too. "Not that I care, but has Koizumi lost his powers too?"

"No."

What the hell? Why not him?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity did not disclose this information. However, instructions have been received on how to quell this temporal anomaly. You must activate amorous data toward the Human Interface, which will in turn be returned to you to discern at your discretion." Come again?

"You must love me."

Oh, alright then. Why didn't you just- EHH?! What did you just say?!

"You must love me."

I heard you, Nagato! I know you've picked up humor in your time here observing Haruhi, but there's a time and a place for everything! Joke's on me. Ha, ha and ha, Nagato! Seriously though, what do you want to do to fix this problem?

"Girlfriend."

What?! Hold on, hold on, hold on! This would be nice if Nagato wasn't an alien human interface devoid of emotion. If she was to show emotion, it'd better be blushing! I know I am! This type of thing would be straight out of a high school drama on television, the type that I couldn't compare my life… until it became a dating sim.

"Umm, Nagato, I don't know, umm."

What did I think of Nagato? She had saved my skin a number of times, most notably from a crazed class representative trying to cut me up into pieces. She was a person I trusted to protect and guard my secrets, so basically she was a very important person in my life. She was also very cute. But could I think of her as a girlfriend? My thoughts immediately went back to the smiling Nagato in the Haruhi-less world. Could this Nagato be like that beautiful smiling one? I then pictured Nagato taking two bentos to school, coming to class 1-5 during lunch, eating aforementioned bentos on the roof and then us walking home hand-in-hand. For some strange reason, I kept seeing an angry or distressed Haruhi in the background of each image.

Why did my mind keep going back to that loud, obnoxious and pompous girl?

I was quickly snapped out of these thoughts by a quiet voice and two piercing amber eyes staring into mine.

"Decision."

Nagato, I haven't made one. I did not tell the powerful alien that, however. What I did would make men ashamed of me. I turned tail and ran again for what seemed like the fifth time today, this time into the forest area behind the hill. Someone out there well-versed in situations like this, please show me how to face these problems immediately!

I looked back and saw Nagato still standing there. I felt a twinge of guilt. I began to slow down and turn around. However, I ran into a very soft tree and knocked it over, tripping and falling all over it in the process. We had started weightlifting in gym class and I guess our middle-aged muscle-bound teacher's training paid off.

"Oof! Kyon-kun, you need to watch wheres ya goin!" Wait a second. Trees don't talk… Especially not with that voice… Trees aren't this soft and warm…

I then looked up and realized that I was lying on top of Tsuruya-san.

WHOA!

"Want to finish what we started, Kyon-kun? I'm ready, nyoro." She said in a sexy, sultry voice. I felt my hormones begin to boil with a heat hotter than the magma that formed Japan.

She grabbed me by the strings of the colored hoodie I was wearing. Why am I still wearing this article of clothing? It's as if you took my sister, gave her Japan's sweetest candy, the world's supply of paint and a blank white hoodie. It's like I'm wearing what children make in art class. Boy, do I look like an idiot.

EH! I almost forgot about the harrowing situation I was in! Damn this girl, she took my momentary lapse in attention to flip us over so that she was lying on top of me! Her face was right in front of mine; I felt her warm breath on my face and I noticed the look in her eyes. Her eyes shined with her usual enthusiasm, but there was something a little more _sexy_ in them.

"Kyon-kun… makes me a woman, nyorrrrro." She dragged out the "nyoro" and rolled the last part with her tongue. I lost my restraint then and there. As I felt my lips coming closer and closer to her, I felt an icy chill resonate through my bones. It was the chill of imminent danger; I've felt it before. Adjusting myself so I could see past the green-haired girl who was currently situated on my body, I saw my life flash before my eyes. Well, that's because I saw Haruhi Suzumiya sprinting full-speed toward me.

"Haru-nyan looks mad! This could be trouble!" Thank you, Tsuruya-san. I can see that. The green-haired senior got off of me (thankfully? Maybe?) and stood in between the raging Haruhi and myself.

"KYON! STOP R-R-RUN-ning…" Haruhi's pace slowed, before she plopped onto the ground, sound asleep. I took this opportunity to laugh, and laugh I did.

"Tired, Haruhi? Guess you could blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol!" I sang that last part in English. Tsuruya-san stood there and gave me an awkward glance. Sorry, Tsuruya-san; American music, jokes and myself are things that should never be combined.

"I don't mind, Kyon-kun, as long as ya lays with me tonight…" I decided to handle her advance like the man I was.

"EEEEEK!" I screamed and ran deeper into the forest, leaving my fanged sempai standing shocked in the dust. I just kept running and running until I decided I should trace my steps back toward the Tsuruya household.

That's when the fatigue set in.

Feeling like I was hit by a ton of bricks which were coated in steel, I slumped against a tree. I was too tired for what happened next.

From out of the shadows, a blue-haired girl with blue eyes emerged. She had a pretty-looking smirk on her face. The same smirk she wore last year when she tried to kill me.

Ryoko Asakura stood in front of me.

"Hi there, Kyon-kun. Long time, no see. How are you doing?"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

(Hare Hare Yukai begins to play.)

(A/N: Once again, sorry for the delay! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's been saved on my computer since November. I'll try to get the next one out soon and I'm going to try to continue The War as well. Hope you guys enjoy having Ryoko back and I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty in my writing! Also, please review and flame if you have to! Peace, love and bubblegum!)


	6. Fighting, Flighting and Voicemailing

The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

I'm back! Check out my new K-On! fic "New Teacher!" But no dillydallying. Enjoy, read and review!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter 6: Fighting, Flighting and Voicemailing

"Hi there, Kyon-kun. Long time, no see. How are you doing?"

Ryoko Asakura stood in front of me.

"Wha—what are you doing here?" I stammered. My remaining energy, already at a low point, was sucked out of me like the last noodle out of a bowl of udon. If she were to try and kill me, she would have little to no difficulty in doing so. I had as much of a chance of making it out of this alive as Napoleon had in escaping from his exile on Saint Helena Island.

Her smile became a little more icy.

"You did not answer my question, Kyon-kun. That's a little bit rude. I'm simply asking how you are for the sake of your well-being."

Well, the last time my well-being mattered to you, you tried to cut me up into pieces so you could see how Haruhi could react to my death. To me, that says that my well-being matters very little to you. The blue-haired girl's smile drooped into a puppy-like frown. Wow, that's actually pretty damn cute. I hate to justify anything Taniguchi says, but Asakura's really worth that A++ he gave her.

No, Kyon! Girls who try and murder you should _not_ be attractive to you in the very least!

"I've just been wondering how you've been, Kyon-kun. It's been so long since I've seen you…" She began to walk towards me. AH! Get away from me! I began to back away from her, as fast as my exhausted legs could go. I need to get out of here! Like a mouse in a maze, I tried to scan my surroundings as quickly as I could for a way out. Instead of yearning for the reward of cheese however, I was yearning for the reward of not dying. I kept backing away and trying to keep as much distance in between the sadistic former class rep and myself but all of a sudden, I felt myself slip and my feet lift up in the air. WHAM! I hit my head on a tree. Dazed and confused, I wondered if Asakura used her supernatural alien powers to subdue me. However, I noticed a massive branch right at my feet. I must have tripped on it. Mother Nature, why must even you laugh in my face when I need a little good luck? Even the powers that be seem to be against me. Why am I such an unfortunate fellow? My thoughts were cut short when I saw Asakura standing right in front of me. She bent down and put her face very close to mine. I shut my eyes in fear of what was to come. I then smelled a wonderful aroma of flowery perfume. Wow, she smells very nice…

No, no, no. Not the time, Kyon, not the time.

There were a few seconds of silence. I opened my eyes to see her face still very close to mine. Those dazzling blue eyes gazed into mine. She smiled and stroked my face. Her touch gave me ice cold goosebumps, and no, not the good kind. I'm not the type to be turned on in disastrous situations such as this.

"I've missed you."

Huh?

"Silly Kyon-kun, perhaps you need to get your hearing checked. I've missed you." Asakura chuckled. I heard you! I've never had any problems hearing! I'm just confused! Is that what you say when you're about to kill someone? You've missed them? She looked at me with a quizzical look.

"Kill you? No, Kyon-kun. I'm not going to kill you. That was in the past. Let's consider that a mistake, if you will. I'm here to see you. To make you mine, rather, to become yours. I'm here to be your girlfriend, dear Kyon-kun."

EHH? Can someone explain what's going on right now? If this is a cruel joke, whoever planned it can come out of the shadows now. The joke's up. Ha. Ha.

"Joke? No, this is not a joke. I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to love you and be your loving girlfriend, Kyon-kun. What do you say?" For some strange reason, my thoughts went back to something Koizumi had said to me.

"_You have more girls in your prospective roster than that, my dear Kyon."_

Get out of my head, you bastard! I don't ever want to see you in my thoughts again! It's bad enough I see your stupid grin everyday! I thought about what he said for a second. What does he mean prospective roster?

Oh. Oh, God no.

Don't tell me Asakura is part of my dating sim situation now. Since she's an alien in the same vein as Nagato, I wonder if she has the same orders that the Brigade's signature bookworm has. Yare, yare. I'm starting to wonder who's _not_ involved in this crazy situation. What, is every single girl in my life going to be a part of this nonsense? Hm, that wouldn't be so bad…

"What do you say, Kyon-kun? Will you let me be your girlfriend?" Asakura's soft voice snapped me back to reality. Her face was still only a few inches away from mine. Her sharp blue eyes remained staring into mine. I tried to avert my gaze. Umm, I really don't know how I should answer that…

"Let your lips do the talking…" She closed her eyes and brought her face even closer to mine. Her perfume began to envelop my nostrils and caused my mind to think of very dirty things.

Have you ever heard of the fight-or-flight response system in the human body? The nervous system responds to a threatening situation with a series of stimuli throughout the body, preparing one to either engage in combat with the threat or flee from the threat with their tail between their legs. When the response is triggered, a person can react to an incoming threat in a matter of milliseconds, a much faster reaction than if said person was in a calm or serene state of mind. The human body is truly amazing, isn't it?

I digress from the situation at hand. Asakura's face got closer and closer to mine, in what seemed to be slow motion. That's when my fight-or-flight response kicked in. In a fashion that was truly unlike myself, I ducked and rolled out of the way of Asakura in one swift motion and proceeded to spring myself off the ground. Using this momentum, I launched myself into a full-out sprint away from the blue-haired alien. Got to love that fight-or-flight response. Emphasis on the flight. I had finally escaped, but I realized that I had no idea where I was. Why me? I asked to no one in particular.

I continued to sprint into the night.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

After about twenty or so minutes of running, the forest opened up into a clearing and I saw the gate that surrounded the Tsuruya family's property. Looking around, I saw the mansion and walked along the fence towards the house, in order to leave via the front entrance. The loud music pulsating from the house had disappeared, signaling to me that the party was over. I finally got to the front entrance. As I was about to walk out the gate and make my merry way home, I heard familiar voices and dove into the shadows. Standing right outside the entrance of Tsuruya-san's property was the SOS Brigade, still looking for me without a doubt.

"Any luck finding him?" Haruhi.

"No, sorry, Suzumiya-san." Asahina-san.

Silence. Nagato.

"Ah, sorry, Suzumiya-san, none whatsoever. His cell phone is dead. I assume by now that he has found his way home. The property is way too dark to search right now, but I think he is smart enough to figure out when it's time to go back to his residence."

If you only knew, you esper bastard.

Haruhi let out a deep sigh. "I guess that's the case. Keep trying to call him, everyone. I am, at least. We'll have a city search tomorrow at noon and we'll meet at the train station of course. Let Kyon know if you get in touch with him. Goodnight, Brigade." I heard footsteps walking away from the gate. I waited about fifteen minutes before I crept out of the shadows and walked out the front entrance. Remembering what Koizumi had said about my cell phone, I pulled it out and tried to turn it on. It was really dead. Yare, yare. I'd be surprised if Haruhi didn't leave me a voicemail threatening my life. I began my long trek home.

About twenty minutes later, I arrived back at my house. The lights were out. Good, I didn't want to have to deal with explaining to my parents where I was. I unlocked the door and walked in, collapsing on my bed with the force of an exhausted convict who broke out of jail and checked in a nearby hotel with a fake name. I was extremely fatigued but something was bothering me. I wondered if anybody had left me any messages on my voicemail. Plugging my phone into the charger and turning it on, my voicemail ringtone played.

Four new voicemail messages. Let's take a listen, shall we?

_BEEP!_ "Uuu, Kyon-kun, it's Mikuru. W-where are you? You're missing and we're all looking for y-you. We're very worried for you. Please c-call me b-back immediately. Oooh, my head…" Asahina-san, you angel! You're going to make a great wife and mother someday. Whoever has you will be the luckiest man on the face of the planet! Am I tearing?

_BEEP!_ "Ah, Kyon! Fun night, no?" Smug bastard. "Where are you? We'd like to know where you are. Let's meet up. I personally would like to talk to you about some _very important_ things. Call me back when you have the chance, granted you probably don't have the chance right now since your phone is dead." Sometimes I really want to hit that smiling esper boy in the face. It troubles me how annoying he is. He did say he needs to talk about important things. What could they be? I'll worry about that in the morning.

_BEEP!_ "KYON! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE TONIGHT? YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GET THE MOST SEVERE PENALTY IN THE HISTORY OF PENALTIES GIVEN BY THE CHIEF! YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER FIND SOME WAY TO CALL ME OR MEET US. YOU'RE DEAD AND YOU HAVE EMBARRASED THE BRIGADE AND ME TONIGHT! CITY SEARCH AT NOON SHARP TOMORROW. MEET AT THE STATION. DO NOT BE LATE OR I WILL SENTENCE YOU TO TEN MILLION LIFETIMES IN A FIERY PIT! THAT IS ALL!" What kind of punishment is that? You should honestly rationalize the things you say, Haruhi. But oh boy. She has it out for me. Haruhi's going to kill me tomorrow.

_BEEP! _"Hello, is this Kyon's number? I assume it is because the answering machine was your voice. I just wanted to greet you and see how you were doing. I haven't seen you since our little run-in a while back. I hope all is well. If all is not well, then perhaps you should fix your actions so that is no longer the case. Anyway, what are you doing around noon tomorrow? We should meet up, perhaps eat lunch together, or would it be brunch being that it's at noon? Please call me back and let me know, or meet me at the restaurant by the train station at noon. Goodbye."

Huh? Who was that? Who could that possibly be? Why would you ever leave a voice message without first leaving your name and number, especially if you asked me to call you back? This person needs to listen to the explicit directions I left on my answering machine! Yare, yare.

I yawned and started to drift off into the land of slumber while remaining annoyed at this anonymous voicemail. Who could it have been? Maybe I'll run into this party tomorrow sometime before the city search. All I know is that I'm too tired from this ridiculous night to really care about any of this.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: What's up, people? I'm back after a long hiatus! I wrote a new K-On fic called "New Teacher!" Check it out if you're into that. As for my Haruhi fics, I'm going to be working to update them ASAP. I'm sorry for the long delay. Hope you enjoyed the story. As always, please read and review! Peace, love and bubblegum!)


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